1 Corinthians 2.9

“No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I spent 3 hours painstakingly painting that verse on a crinkled brown piece of paper I had saved from the wrappings on a bouquet of flowers. The painting didn’t turn out that great. It’s hard to get the letters straight and the same size. And it’s not really bold enough on the wall because I painted the letters too skinny.

But it was good for my heart to slowly write those words. It forced me to think on what they mean.

It’s the end of week 4 of joblessness. 40 applications, 3 interviews, 10 resume drop offs, 3 nanny websites plus craigslist, 200 website checks for new positions, 20 nights sitting home alone.

It’s getting a little old. A little frustrating, a little boring, a little discouraging, a little lonely.

But God says that his plans for me bigger than my imagination. I suppose that means that I could end up with some crazy good job that impacts someone’s life in a huge way. Or that he moves us to some foreign country to do missions. Or that I have an opportunity to take a photography class and somehow become a famous photographer…or writer or crafty person or whatever. Or I suppose it could mean he leads me into some not so great situation that as far as I’m concerned kind of a bummer…but uses it to change lives that I don’t even know about. Whatever it is…I know I can trust him to find me the right job at the right time.

I love him. So in the end of the big picture…I will have an impact that is beyond anything I’ve ever seen, heard of, or even imagined.


You are about to realize that I’m actually a nutcase.

It’s been a long week of minimal social interaction. For real. A fifteen minute interview Tuesday and youth group on Wednesday. And no work. Cody doesn’t count…and phone calls don’t really either. Although in my desperate need for a social life I can truly say that an hour long phone call with my mom is the most girl time I’ve had since she visited a month ago.

I realized about 5 minutes ago that it’s all starting to get to me. I very suddenly reached a point where I began having fake conversations with my lesbian neighbors and started making the facial expressions and hand gestures like it was real…while I walked in circles in my very small kitchen trying to decide if I was hungry and what I should do. Which lead into a tuneless song about Harry Potter while I went to fetch the book from my room. The people on friends, Harry Potter and I have our own little club for 10 hours every day while Cody’s at work. It’s great. Until I break off from the group to obsessively check craigslist, sitter city, and care for new job postings. Nanny websites are my new facebook.

And then I woke up from my reverie of fake neighborly conversations and realized that these crazy moods surprisingly don’t happen all that often and I should take advantage and write something weird and entertaining that I’ll later regret.

I’m pretty sure this is the fastest I’ve ever written a blog post. Also the longest I’ve ever allowed my paragraphs to be. I hate fat paragraphs.

some photos of stuff

IMG_2023the 4th. we BBQed brussels sprouts at the park.

IMG_2050camping is our new thing. every free weekend we adventure out with our yellow tent.

IMG_2151i got this dealy and organized my crafty stuff. (most of it)

IMG_2195three mountains

IMG_2202baby sister Ania (8) . every day she would ask, ‘are you leaving tomorrow?’ ‘no, not til saturday.’ ‘oh. sad. i will miss you.’

IMG_2207surprised this girl at work

IMG_2294slept in an rv with 9 other people . after that Alissa and I opted to sleep on the boat (Ania’s around the corner)

IMG_2270boating 🙂

IMG_2271the mother

IMG_2284the beauties I came home too. Cody still holds true to his promise that I will always have flowers. there were even flowers waiting at Mom’s house when I got there from the airport. he had them delivered.

IMG_2293today this made me smile. as much as they exhaust my patience…I love my kids.

i have no idea what this post is about. i felt the need to be a more consistent blogger…so I opened it up and wrote

The summer has been different. Good different. Also bad different.

Mostly because I transitioned from nannying four hours a day every day; to ten hrs a day, two weeks on, two weeks off. My work days are now opposite of Cody’s, so we essentially don’t see during the week. Which feels completely stupid.

On the other hand, the two weeks off have given me all sorts of time to visit people and be crafty. The craftiness isn’t going quite as I had planned. But the visiting has gone superb. I spent two nights with my dad and baby sisters. Then two nights in my hometown visiting five or so friends and some family too. Then a whopping nine day trip out to Montana to go on vacation with my mom, step-dad, and family, where I contracted the most impressive tan ever. I’ve also had a visit from my grandma, a visit from my mom and sister planned, a hopeful camping trip with my dad and another hometown trip in the works.

It’s been crazy. Which is good. It distracts me from my sad little self…usually. I found myself fighting tears for two days straight while on vacation with my family. Frustrating to say the least…sun, boating, tubing, and sisters should do the trick right? It reminds me that my depression is real. It’s not drama. It’s not overreacting. It’s life and me and my hard thing right now.

I start to feel like there is something wrong with me. I must be brain damaged. Or sick and delusional. Or crazy out of this world selfish. I beg Cody through tears to tell me what’s wrong with me. His answer is always: ‘Nothing. It’s ok for you to feel sad. It’s normal. Stop telling yourself there’s something wrong with you, because there’s not. Everything’s ok. You’re ok and God is good.’ I really should tattoo that on my arm so that the poor guy doesn’t have to repeat it so often. And I hope I figure it out someday for real. I hope it sinks in so that I don’t panic when I can’t reverse my sadness. But for now Cody will just have to repeat it.


short post of a list

this is a list of things i did this week that you probably don’t care about:

1. i chose about 9 pumpkins before i just stuck with one

2. i just made granola

3. the floor needs sweeping

4. i bought a striped t-shirt and am wearing it now

5. there’s a painting i’m procrastinating on alot

6. second trip to the zoo

7. i showed a 6 year old my wedding pictures

8. i talked a whole paragraph on the subject of rice and cheese in a british accent

9. justin bieber is stuck in my head

10. homemade baby donuts were eaten

11. there’s mud on my boots

12. i’m doing this because i don’t want to make a grocery list

13. had a phone date with my mum

the end


that sort of day

it requires a couple tears. ben and jerry’s. encouraging husband words. hot chocolate at the end.

it’s that day.

you know what i mean. you’ve had that day happen before.

it starts when you’re overly emotional and crying in the car for no reason. you arrive at school to pick up favorite kiddos whom you’re not completely sure you’re emotionally equipped to handle at the moment. parallel park in a tiny spot. open your phone to text your husband an apology for being a witch, glance up. smoke is coming out of your beloved car’s hood.

oh frantic thoughts.

you call your husband, he’s in the middle of his bike ride to work.

‘the car is smoking!’

‘take it to the closest auto repair shop. if they say don’t drive it, don’t drive it.’

pick the kids up from their classes. walk to the car…in a hurry to see if you can find out what’s wrong before the husband’s shift starts. oh wait…potty emergency…back to school.

run back to the car.

driving with eyes peeled for an auto shop. your favorite helper in the front seat sees it first. ‘auto body shop’ parallel park in a tiny spot between a large truck and an orange vespa. you suddenly realize this is an auto body shop…not repair. feel really stupid and call your husband.

‘go ask them anyways.’

the nice man checks it out: ‘see that? your coolant’s leaking.’ it’s green and goopy.

kids: ‘how long will it take? can we get ice cream?’

follow nice man’s advice and take it to an auto repair shop 2 blocks away.

kids: ‘how long will it take? will the engine blow up if you drive too much? can we get ice cream?’

they look and say you’re radiator’s cracked. a lot.

kids to auto shop lady: ‘excuse me, how long will it take, maximum, to fix it? like ten hours?’

‘you shouldn’t drive. it will cost lots of money. it won’t be finished today.’

‘so can we get ice cream?’

you make decision to spend lots of money fixing your only car without your husband to approve. nerve wracking at best.

you call their father. ‘my car broke down. do you want us to come get us or should we take a taxi home?…….ok. meet us at ben & jerry’s. i’m so sorry about this.’

you give a piggy back all the way ice cream and wonder how you will get home. how you will bring your husband dinner on his break. how you will get to the bank tomorrow to finish buying that car for him that you thought you would have by last monday.

the dad comes. home. disney princess doll exhibit. hear about the justin bieber concert. leave for soccer…and get dropped off to rent a car to make life possible for the next day. hit traffic. for an hour. barely make the car rental place before they close. rent a car.

drive home through traffic. large cities are such a joy sometimes. watch a stupid episode of a stupid show to unwind. make dinner. drive fancy rental to your husband’s work. explain everything that happened.

best part of the day: ‘good job…you did the right thing.’

eat really great chicken you threw together. be really impressed with yourself.

go home. jammies. hot chocolate. write. maybe watch another stupid show.

the end.

don’t tell me that day has never happened to you.

life in no particular order

1. made pumpkin pancakes and sprayed whipped cream all over the wall. i won’t say who did it. but it was in his beard too.

2. went to fancy fancy dinner to celebrate scoring the nanny job

3. took pictures of ‘the face’…this is only one of many faces that were photographed

4. biked down a trail around a miniature lake

5. just for his credit…this is about the only face i can make…

6. had difficulty with the self-portraits…also wore big earrings for the first time ever

7. worked on becoming better at taking pictures of life

8. saw the coast

9. watched cheese get packaged on assembly line

10. hung out everyday with these new friends


nannying day 1 + 3 things

who would have known that getting a job would suddenly motivate me to be extremely productive?

after getting the rundown on where to pick the kids up from school, where soccer practice is, where the parks are, where the zoo is, how to get back to their house from everywhere, and also how to get back to my house from everywhere…i came home and grocery shopped and cooked three things. three things that actually take effort and thought and recipes and time. (with only a little bit of pinterest and facebook thrown in there.)

when i was jobless i found it extremely hard to get anything done at all. i find it ironic.

today i rode a see-saw for the first time in many years. it’s a real work out when the person on the other end weighs about 30 pounds.