i have no idea what this post is about. i felt the need to be a more consistent blogger…so I opened it up and wrote

The summer has been different. Good different. Also bad different.

Mostly because I transitioned from nannying four hours a day every day; to ten hrs a day, two weeks on, two weeks off. My work days are now opposite of Cody’s, so we essentially don’t see during the week. Which feels completely stupid.

On the other hand, the two weeks off have given me all sorts of time to visit people and be crafty. The craftiness isn’t going quite as I had planned. But the visiting has gone superb. I spent two nights with my dad and baby sisters. Then two nights in my hometown visiting five or so friends and some family too. Then a whopping nine day trip out to Montana to go on vacation with my mom, step-dad, and family, where I contracted the most impressive tan ever. I’ve also had a visit from my grandma, a visit from my mom and sister planned, a hopeful camping trip with my dad and another hometown trip in the works.

It’s been crazy. Which is good. It distracts me from my sad little self…usually. I found myself fighting tears for two days straight while on vacation with my family. Frustrating to say the least…sun, boating, tubing, and sisters should do the trick right? It reminds me that my depression is real. It’s not drama. It’s not overreacting. It’s life and me and my hard thing right now.

I start to feel like there is something wrong with me. I must be brain damaged. Or sick and delusional. Or crazy out of this world selfish. I beg Cody through tears to tell me what’s wrong with me. His answer is always: ‘Nothing. It’s ok for you to feel sad. It’s normal. Stop telling yourself there’s something wrong with you, because there’s not. Everything’s ok. You’re ok and God is good.’ I really should tattoo that on my arm so that the poor guy doesn’t have to repeat it so often. And I hope I figure it out someday for real. I hope it sinks in so that I don’t panic when I can’t reverse my sadness. But for now Cody will just have to repeat it.

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3 thoughts on “i have no idea what this post is about. i felt the need to be a more consistent blogger…so I opened it up and wrote

  1. Aww…love you, friend. Sadness is such a huge, dark cloud, but Cody’s right. You are fine and God is good. And somehow, we have to rest there even though it doesn’t always make us *feel* better. Sending you big hugs…come visit again soon! ❤

  2. I also agree with Cody to a point. It isn’t normal. There is a natural ebb and flow to life and sometimes after big major stuff…marriage, divorce, new birth, death, huge changes- your body says “enough” and hormonally is worn out. I have had a couple real periods of depression in my life and I know my doctor wanted to put me on meds.Instead, I went on St. John’s Wort(herbal supplement with no side effects) and kept trudging along. It may last for awhile…months. Keep seeking the Lord as you are and He will show you the way out. It is a different journey for each of each but it will end. You are half way there because you are admitting it and letting others know of this frail state. You are a beautiful vessel of God and He is in control of even this for your good. If you would like to talk sometime, call me at 360 398 2128.

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